Dad’s First Yankee Game – Part 2

After the National Anthem, I took a few minutes to check out who was near me. To my right was a newly-wed couple. Vom. Okay fine. They were cute. She had enough diamonds on her left had that, if sold, could fetch enough money to feed an entire third-world country for a month. They cuddled whenever she gave the slightest inkling that she was cold. And she carried a Coach purse, so I didn’t feel so weird about having mine. It felt weird having a Coach purse at a Yankee game, so I hid mine under my seat. But she kept getting up to go to get a pretzel/go to the bathroom/get a hotdog/go to the bathroom/go I don’t know where, so the cuteness factor decreased quickly. She’s either preggo, or hates baseball. Whenever she came back, they cuddled again. Vom.

Behind me was a guy dressed in black. He had tight black jeans, black shoes, a black shirt and jacket, and a black fedora. He also had the iciest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. He looked like he belonged in an ad for a shop in the East Village rather than at a Yankee game, but he cheered for the Yankees so he was cool in my book. He also gave out little smiggles whenever the Yankee fans and Boston fans got into tussles.

A kid in the row in front of me looked like someone I knew, but couldn’t place. It irritated me for a while until he got up in the middle of the 1st inning. He looked familiar because he was at the last game, too, and must have gotten up as much as the newlywed. He looked at me and smiggled, and I realized that at the last game, I may or may not have made a loud comment about how annoying it was that he got up during every inning. Oops. He only got up once this game, but his friend went back and forth at least six times. This time I let Dad make the comment.

The guys directly in front of me calmed down a bit, but were still fairly drunk. At one point, I heard them say, “Do you know what he said? He said, ‘All the birds flock to vagina! They flock to va-gin-a!”’ They must have said ‘vagina’ 10 times, and I made a conscious effort not to look at Dad.

One thing I noticed was that no Boston fan was safe. A few tried to save themselves by going to the game with Yankee fans. I saw a lot of Yankee/Boston couples, which seemed weird. I mean, one of the first questions I ask when talking to potential mates is if they are Boston fans. Why start something that is already doomed? If a guy showed up in a Boston jersey with a girl in a Yankees shirt, he got yelled at for being a pussy. If a girl showed up in the Boston jersey with a Yankee fan, the guy got yelled at for poor taste, no matter how cute she was.

Two men behind me (one was a Boston fan) started talking about games they’ve gone to in the past. The Boston guy started talking about a close game, and he goes, ‘It was tied after 9, so it went into overtime.’ He kept saying ‘overtime,’ and I really wanted to turn around and say, ‘Yo dawg. Baseball does not go into overtime. It goes into extra innings,’ but I was distracted by Officer Griffin who had just appeared on the scene.

Griffn was a formidable man to say the least, and was obviously the ‘bad cop’ of the good cop/bad cop duo. His partner, Officer Cardency, was coming up the stairs behind him. Griffin was pretty good looking (nice eyes), but was staring into the crowd above me, stalking his Boston prey. All this is normal for a Yankee/Red Sox game, but the reason I couldn’t take my eyes off Griffin was because he was packing a giant lipper. I’d never seen a cop with a lipper, and this thing was massive. He slid it around in his cheek, but never took his eyes off the crow. Something was missing, though. He didn’t have a spittoon anywhere, and Dad suggested it was just gum. There was no way a guy like Griffin was chewing a big wad of gum, even if it was strawberry-flavored Big League Chew. He was pretty bad ass, and he and Cardency eventually got to eject a rowdy Boston fan.

A little while later, a girl came up the stairs wearing a Mets t-shirt and a Braves hat. She was obviously confused about which team she supported since she was in Yankee stadium, but my guess was that it was her way of showing she was just a big fan of the National League. She may have been confused by where she should be, because the Mets played Wednesday night, too.

Dad got to see two home runs on Wednesday – one by Bobby Abreu to bring in Jeter, and A-Rod blasted one over the left field wall in the next at-bat. By the end of the 5th inning, we had seen 10 run scored, and the Yankees won 15-9. Not a bad game for your first time at Yankee Stadium. We left at the top of the ninth since it was almost 11, and Dad had to get a train home. The subway platform was jammed, and I didn’t think we’d make the first train, but Dad stuck out his elbows and we got on. A bunch of tired but happy Yankee fans made their way downtown. Many of those fans were also drunk, which means beer gas, and I’d like to personally thank whomever it was who farted right after the 125th Street stop. You made the next 66 blocks almost unbearable, and I hope karma finds you.

All in all, though, the night was a success. Dad and I had a great time, I got my baseball cap, Mom got her Jeter, and the Yankees won.

Since I do have an extra ticket for quite a few more games, show a girl some love, and I might give you the spare ticket.

Stay tuned for more things Neever…